Call and Response

First Love

2011-02-23T01:10:00.001Z

Craziness.

I've been brought back to my first love and it's really cool.

Plus, weird things are happening. Cool conversations with people about Jesus. Love it.

The Wanderer

2010-12-08T23:32:00.004Z

I am but a nomad
I've not one house called "home"
I wander through a desert trail
With no place to call my own
Not 'gypsy', 'pikee', or 'yonk'
Thrusting slander on my name
Why look at me so differently -
I've done nothing to bring shame
My people love the road, you see
It whispers tales of old
Legends of a promised land
The streets paved with gold
My new steps tell a story
Of adventure and of dreams
Each new face reminds us
All is not what it seems
It's easy to keep separate
Never settling in one place
The challenge is to learn to live
With ample amounts of grace
We travel through destruction
We travel through disease
We learn to rest upon the one
Who brings us to our knees

Butterflies inside

2010-12-07T02:43:00.003Z

..."go and sleep and plot and work out a way of being brave..."

The last thing my aunt said to me, at 2:30am this morning.
Even just that word, 'brave', makes me feel funny inside. I am not very brave. But I love that she is rooting for me. Prodding me forward.
Being brave always involved a risk. But I haven't yet learnt that taking a risk is the best thing one can do.

I need to learn this

2010-12-02T19:49:00.003Z

I should always be the first to apologise.
That is what God just said to me.

I've learnt that pride is painful, but humility covers everything.

People Move Me

2010-11-29T23:59:00.000Z

The more I trawl around the internet, the more amazed I am at people who are proactive about doing something that changes the world. It doesn't matter how small the change seems. And it doesn't mean nagging people to give money to something. There are incredible organisations out there, and I wanted to share just a few of them. Don't just go to the websites, but buy something knowing that your money is being used for something great. THE BEST Christmas presents are on these sites.

1. Got Your Back Movement
This non-profit organization exists to distribute school uniforms to children who need them. Buy a t-shirt online (they are lush) and you fund a child's education. Literally.
Nearly 1 billion people entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names. For many of those individuals, finding a job to support themselves & their families will prove to be a daunting, if not impossible, task. Education provides the necessary tools to not only advance in today's work place but it also helps to create lasting and sustainable change for the good of communities worldwide.
I remember the first time I went to Africa and I realized that in most places, a child cannot attend school if they don't have a uniform. We take our education for granted. They don't.
www.gybmovement.org

2. TOMS
Sometimes, ethical clothing lines aren't quite up to our taste. They look, well, funny. Not these bad boys.
Proceeds from the sale of these shoes goes to build 3 wells in Ethiopia, in a region without access to clean, safe drinking water, and where long barefoot walks expose people to soil-transmitted diseases. And with every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need.
www.toms.com

3. Freeset
In India, prostitution is big business and thrives on exploitation and slavery, robbing the poor of dignity and innocence. At Freeset, women have the opportunity to leave prostitution, are trained with new skills for a new job and empowered with life-skills needed to appreciate freedom. They are paid around twice the going rate for an equivalent job elsewhere and as part of their employment package have health insurance and a pension plan.
As well as wonderfully recycled bags, clothing is another item which can be bought online at their site. Buy one, set one free.
www.freesetglobal.com

Always hope

2010-11-10T23:16:00.000Z

I have discovered a new found love of intercessory prayer! For a while now, I’ve put off spending time with God, bored by the routine and selfish with my time. But now I enjoy praying for other people and trying to listen to what God might be saying. What’s strange is that I don’t enjoy praying for myself much. Maybe because I ‘pray’/think/talk to God so much about my life throughout the day, that there is no need to have a specific time for it.

Is it right to pray for specific things? When an alarming situation arises, I will always choose life and wholeness and healing rather than whatever God wants! Should I always pray for that? Should I always expect it to happen? I know that God loves those things; doesn’t mean they’ll happen. Is it wrong to pray that my friend gets the job she’s going for? Is it selfish to pray that my friend’s unborn child won’t have anything wrong with it? I don’t know what God wants. We pray for His will to be done. But the disciples knew His will; they were sent out and then did stuff. They didn’t pray over people, “O Lord, only if YOU desire it, then shall it be.” They said, “Be HEALED!”

At the moment, I’ve been praying a lot for hope. That hope will be obvious in the situations; that hope will rise out of the moment, and that it will calm and protect. Hope is good. It reminds us that although things aren’t as we might want them to be right now, anything is possible. I like that.

Romantic films are bad for my health

2010-11-08T15:36:00.002Z

So I came home today and popped on the tv while doing some stuff on my laptop. The film 'Hope Floats' was on and gosh was it gushy. I knew it was bad when I heard Brian Adams singing, but it was slightly redeemed hearing the Bob Dylan classic 'Make You Feel My Love'.

I have mixed reactions to romantic films; I HATE HATE HATE that it gives me a false impression of love and relationships. It says that there will be someone who sweeps me off my feet and we'll live happily ever after. It actually sometimes makes me sad because that is not the case in my life. However, it also gives me a little bit of hope.

And then I become melancholic, and go and sit at the piano to try and express how I'm feeling. I don't get me sometimes.

The Glass Is Half What?

2010-11-04T14:15:00.002Z

There is so much in me which needs to be changed that I lose sight of other people. I forget that anything is possible, and I start seeing the glass as half empty. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

I find it easier to talk about people negatively than positively. I let people down and am hypocritical with the way I live. As soon as I stop thinking about myself, things change. I begin getting excited about life and what adventures are still to come. I start to believe that I can be involved in seeing change, rather than just moaning about it.

But the key thing that I'm learning is that I need people around me to help. I want to be part of a community - literally living together, learning together, changing together. I need people around me to inspire me and help me grow. I can't do it by myself. I don't think I was even built to struggle through life on my own. We were all meant to have people who walk beside us.

2010-10-07T14:29:00.000+01:00

DON'T annoy me and wind me up on purpose.

Little gems.

2010-09-30T18:15:00.003+01:00

I haven't written on here for so long. I haven't written at all for so long. It feels like, like my excitement for writing has gone. Maybe this is what they call "Writer's Block"? Or maybe it's just that I'm feeling uninspired at the moment? I've decided that tonight I'm going to re-evaluate what I think and believe and know, and remind myself of a few good things. Hence I have borrowed 'Blue Like Jazz' (Donald Miller) and 'The Ragamuffin Gospel' (Brennan Manning), two of my favourite books, to ignite some fresh stuff in my life. I feel a little bit like an arid desert at the moment; like something went wrong and I lost my way. I am trying to find it again, I really am. It's like I need to believe in humanity again, know that there is good in the world and that there is purpose and meaning. I get disappointed so easily these days. And that needs to change. Sometimes, a person communicates something and it sparks inside of me and I think, "Yeah, YEAH. THAT is what I've been waiting to hear someone say. That resonates in me." I must remember to hold onto those little gems.

What kind of story do you want to live?

2010-07-15T17:50:00.005+01:00

I want to believe that my dreams are big enough. I want to shake the dust (thank you Anis Mojgani) and quit faking around (thank you Oxfam). When I read a good book, I get engrossed; I can't help but get involved. That is the kind of story I want my life to be - something which grabs other people and points them to something more important. Sometimes I feel a little lost inside. Afraid that if people looked too close, they might run and hide and not want to look again. The highs and lows, the "here we go"s - every part gets a second chance.

Dreams are important. When I was little, I dreamt of being a secret agent. Then a vet, a farmer's wife (not a farmer - very important distinction), a doctor, a firefighter, etc. Next year I finally get to start living one of those dreams. Teaching. Since working with young people for the past six years, I have begun to love inspiring others to learn. Whether that's learning about God, or about the collective nouns for groups of animals...I love inspiring people to learn! How awesome is it when a young person you've worked with for a while suddenly gets the point, the idea, the reason - it's like a lightbulb has turned on in their head. They are stoked! I love seeing that.

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
(thank you William Butler Yeats)

I actually wrote this blog because Donald Miller told me to. Yup. For real. Via Twitter. If you go onto a special website you will understand why. He is going to fly two people out to the 'Living a Better Story' seminar in Portland. Two things:
1. Donald Miller isn't a pilot (as far as I'm aware)
2. Will they really pay for two tickets from ENGLAND to Portland? NO THEY WON'T. I would even fly myself out there, but I'm not a US Resident. I'd skype??

Maybe I should include why I would like to go?
I love learning from inspiring people.
I love talking and processing things.
I would like to be encouraged to think about the story my life gives out.
I would like to meet Donald Miller.
I like asking questions and maybe have people throw out a few answers.

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

So, what kind of story do YOU want to live?

Yes

2010-07-07T15:31:00.001+01:00

"In the first century in Palestine, Christianity was a community of believers. Then Christianity moved to Greece and became a philosophy. Then it moved to Rome and became an institution. Then it moved to Europe and became a culture. And then it moved to America and became a business. We need to get back to being a healthy, vibrant community of true followers of Jesus."

--- Pricilla Shirer

Sometimes, I hate

2010-07-05T22:59:00.002+01:00

I hate being ganged up on, even if its a joke.
I hate being blamed for something that wasn't my fault.
I hate even more that I don't know what to do when I get pissed off, and so I go quiet.
I hate parts of myself which I want to change, but don't see results quick enough.

Thoughts...

2010-05-26T22:13:00.002+01:00

I don't like that people build up an image of you and then get shocked when you tell them something about yourself.

I am a jealous person. I think over things too much and care what people think too highly. I read into things that aren't there, and I too easily give my heart away. And because of this I get crushed; I start to believe that nothing I hope for will come true and everything I try to do will fail.

And it's a vicious circle. I so desperately want God to take my dreams and, like magic, to sort the problems and do the things I want. But I know that isn't going to happen. When they don't "come true" I get despondant and tired of trying; my heart physically aches and I get weary.

Have you ever experienced that? A literal aching of the heart? It feels like something is heavy inside of you.

I feel a little lost.

Revelation

2010-05-19T12:57:00.003+01:00

The other night I got angry at God. I hate writing this or talking about it, cos it sounds so lame and cheesy and cliche. But it totally happened. I was just thinking about life, getting mad on behalf of people, just seeing so much crap around me. And then going on to think that there is just so much more crap in other places and other families. What is going on in the world?!

Anyway, I eventually said to God, "WHY WON'T YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?" As soon as the sentence left my lips, I heard, "I'll use you."

Oh Crap.

We all want to see something change, but we're not so comfortable about lending a hand.

It got me thinking and wondering whether we would see drastic difference in the world if all the 'Christians' prayed and acted. That is all it takes; prayer and action.

And then I had long conversations with Beth yesterday about giving all we have to the poor, whether certain people are 'called' to that, what it means in our lives, etc. Sheesh. So much to consider.

2010-05-17T19:31:00.003+01:00

"Despite all this crap going on, I just want you to know God, nothing changes between you and me"

Isn't that incredible? And not in a teary-eyed, or awe and wonder type way. But in a scary way. I wonder if we would ever say that if we were in a similar situation? I've seen this quote a lot recently, friends heard it at a Christian event. I think a guy with cancer said it. I love the power behind what he said, that nothing changes. And I love how it totally reflects God. Almost like he's said it before. To me. Or to you. Telling us that no matter how much crap goes on, nothing changes between us.

Christ's Love

2010-05-11T13:40:00.003+01:00

"...Christ's love compels us." (2 Cor 5)

It moves us.
Forcing us forward.
Like a magnet,
Propelling us into the lives of others.
It is the motive behind every action
And the thought behind every word.

No, sorry...

It should be the motive behind every action
And the thought behind every word.
It needs to be the line we compare to;
The hope we cling from;
The reason we are still breathing.

Friendship sucks...

2010-05-09T21:06:00.001+01:00

Nah, just kidding. Love it.

The Companionship was between people who were doing something together - hunting, studying, painting, or what you will. The Friends will still be doing something together, but something more inward, less widely shared, and less easily defined; still hunters, but of some immaterially quarry; still collaborating, but in some work the world does not, or not yet, take account of; still travelling companions, but on a different kind of journey. Hence we picture lovers face to face, but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.
— C.S. Lewis

You wont get if you don't ask...

2010-04-26T23:11:00.002+01:00

O Jesus, how much do I long for more of you? It's when I get tired of waiting for earthly desires that I realise how incredibly fulfilling you are. You satisfy every part of me. And yet I keep asking the same things; like a child to their parent not knowing when to stop asking. Renew in me a sense of awe, that I might glimpse glory and live! Like Moses who saw your face - Lord, let your glory fall. Isaiah 64 says, "Lord, rend the heavens and come down." I am thirsty.

Embarassing Church

2010-04-19T12:11:00.002+01:00

Recently, I have found Church 'services' (and services being the key word) boring, frustrating and unfortunately, embarassing. It is hard to pin point why I am feeling this way. There are some things that I think could be changed, i.e. a more professional sound to the music or more passionate speakers. I am embarassed by the cheesy and cliche quality to what we offer on a Sunday. I often ask myself the question, "Would I want to invite a friend here?" and the answer is usually no. But the things that frustrate me, I think, are more of a general Church 'service' niggle. Why do we have to 'do' Church the way we do - why Sundays, long talks, stand up and sit down?

I asked this awesome lady at Church yesterday to pray for me, along with my awesome friend Abi, and that was that. Then this lady dropped something off at my house this morning, and it said this:

"Most of the people I know who are really making a difference in the world are not comfortable within themselves. Some of them are quite turbulent emotionally and possess what I believe is a gift from God, that of agitation. Some of us need to accept the unsettled feeling that haunts us daily and drives us to pray about the state of the world, the challenges of the Church and the problems we see in people's lives around us. We feel stirred up and we always will, whatever progress is made.

Perhaps this is what happened to young Samson as he considered the Philistine domination of Israel. Anger, frustration and hope clashed in his heart, as ‘the Spirit of the Lord began to stir him’ (Judges 13:25). This was the result of the blessing of God (Judges 13:24). Agitation may not be a sign of God’s displeasure, but of His calling. We’ve seen that Samson was probably frustrated by the plight of his tribe, whose land may already have been seized by the Philistines.

Perhaps you live with a sense of Spirit-inspired turbulence. Ask God to give you a strategy to enable it to produce action.”

Isn't that cool? What a way of thinking about it - that my uncomfortableness can be a gift! Obviously, the challenge is the hardest part; putting my frustrations into action and being involved in change. But the article above (by Jeff Lucas) affirmed that I am not a 'falling-away' or heretical Christian for being frustrated with Church.

Gaye

2010-04-12T10:26:00.003+01:00

Listening to Marvin Gaye yesterday. Flip, he is ridiculous! Haha. But his songs are just awesome. The motown ones are all about love. The funkier, 80's ones are all about sex. (Which is not necessarily what makes them awesome songs)...

I love listening to music that I haven't in a long time, and being reminded how much I love it. And that I always get new things out of music - even stuff I've heard billions of times before.

Ironically, his songs made me feel a bit lonely.

2010-03-11T22:45:00.002Z

I'm trying to be less critical. And it's hard. I have to actually voice that to people, so that they know I am trying. I used to see the best in people and now I feel like I see the worst or what could be "changed". Pffft. I need to be thankful for what is right here, before getting on my high horse to change it.

When I am grown-up I shall understand this all.

Lighter loads

2010-03-09T15:28:00.002Z

Things already feel better. Annie summed it up the other day - I think about things too much and then they become bigger than they really are. They become heavier than they really are.

I'm not very good at taking responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I overthink things to the point where I want to (or just do) cry. They become thoughts that wear me thin and dry me out. But recently I have been so refreshed by friends; people who speak so honestly to me and who really, really push me forward to be more like Christ. I am so thankful for them. I think I'd forgotten how thankful I am for them.

So today's been a productive day. And that always makes me happy and makes me work harder.

I am glad to be alive.

Home

2010-03-06T23:11:00.002Z

Today I went up to Bristol to spend the day with my dad and brothers. I love days like this. I feel, how can I put it?...at 'home' when I'm with them. It has got me thinking about home, and what makes it. Is home only "where the heart is"? I seem to have my heart strung up in different places.

O how easy it is to give your heart away.

I very easily visit somewhere, and only need to spend time with a few small children and I've suddenly developed an attachment. The thing is, I don't want to end up with something that is broken and used. It is far greater to give your heart away when it is whole and complete, isn't it?

I like that the Bible talks about the heart so much;
- It is the wellspring of life
- Out of its overflowings, my mouth speaks
- It is precious and vulnerable, yet powerful and strong

How badly do I want to protect my heart - yet how much greater is the desire to pour my heart out into those around me; giving it freely and without restrain; offered to the best and the least; leaving behind any fear of damage or misuse. That is the risk I take when I follow Christ.

Hmmmph

2010-02-06T23:55:00.002Z

Why do people, when they find out what buttons they can press to annoy you, keep pressing them? It frustrates me. And it's supposed to be all good fun. But I don't like it. It just makes me crawl back into my shell and hide.

Soul Searching?

2010-01-31T23:50:00.004Z

You know you have those moments, or even periods of time...where you discover something about yourself? And its normally painful. Or awkward. I find them so interesting because whenever we learn about our character, it normally motivates us to change. But there are points where I get almost disgusted with myself. Like, I cannot believe that I behave in that way. Or that I say those things. You know? And it's kind of shocking. But I guess being shocked into change isn't such a bad thing.

While I was away this past month, I found out some things about myself that I didn't like. I didn't like God highlighting those things. And I didn't like being reminded. I would rather have just swept them under the carpet. Not 'huge' things. But small things are like weeds - they can take over if left untouched.

I found out I'm a pretty selfish person. [Aren't we all?] But I'm selfish with conversation too. I am not very good at listening. And the sad thing is, I used to be. I know I did. But I seem to have lost the art of listening. Like someone who doesn't ride their bike in a long time, they still know how to do it but if they don't put effort in then they will never be as good as they were.

It's so easy to hear what someone is saying. But hearing is not the same as listening. When we listen to someone, we honour their stories - we say that what they have experienced is worth something, that their life is worth something. So when I don't listen to someone and I just 'hear', I am saying that what is important to them is not as important to me. Or even worse...not as important AS me.

And who am I to say that?

So my next challenge (because life seems to never end!) is to learn the importance of listening again. I think I have forgotten what it is like to listen to God too.

Sojourner

2009-12-21T18:34:00.003Z

So I am off travelling soon. I have another blog which I will be updating via my email account. Please check it. Follow it so that you will get updates. I will try and write about my experiences as much as possible. I would love it if you would travel with me on this journey!

www.asojournersstory.blogspot.com

Pffft

2009-12-18T09:51:00.003Z

You know when you put your foot in it? And your intentions are totally honourable, but some people don't like what you're doing? They think you make something into a big deal, when it was never one to begin with? But maybe you see the bigger picture.

Well anyway, I'm going to stop from now on. I need to try and not get involved. Even if it means other people get hurt. I'm tired of wanting the best for people and it never works out. So I'm stepping down, backing out, staying quiet...ha...

I hate money.

2009-11-18T22:45:00.002Z

Uuuurgh. I really do. The more I come across it's use and abuse in everyday life, I fall less and less in love with it. And that is honesty - we do often love money. Ironically it is that 'love of money' which Jesus so detested.

I hate how money determines so many decisions for us, it influences opinions, it controls and manipulates us. Even the best people can be lured in by the false promises of money. It is tantalisingly good to look at, and even better to hold. Money is like a drug and I hate that so many people are affected by it.

Money often consumes my thoughts. I worry at the end of the month that I don't have enough of it. I panic when I feel like I have too much. I try to spend wisely and yet give it away too easily. And yet we don't talk about our money issues with anyone. We are affronted when someone asks us how much we earn, or what we spend it on. I get sick of the hold money has on me and how destructive it is in lives.

Suzy Blue

2009-11-15T23:40:00.002Z

"Suzy Blue, you stole his heart from me.
Claiming what was not yours to keep.
O didn't you see the label, the markings on his chest?
Go and read the memo 'cos you're only second best.
I need you to quit the race."

Time Travelling.

2009-11-11T18:59:00.004Z

We talk about knowing things off by heart - a song, a poem, a route. But can we know a person off by heart?

I'd like to think there are people who know me well. People who can see when something isn't right, those who can read me like a book. It's a vulnerable thing but well worth it. Because when we let people see the real us, there is a part of us worrying that what they have seen will send them running.

I am amazed that Jesus knows me COMPLETELY off by heart and yet still thinks highly of me. It's a cliche, we all say it. But isn't that amazing? To see every awful bone in your body and still think the world of you. Wow.

The Prophetic

2009-11-10T08:59:00.002Z

I went to an evening at Rev's Church yesterday. An American guy called Dale Gentry was speaking on prophecy. I liked what he said:

First you HEAR it.
Then you SEE it.
You need to SPEAK it out.
Then DO it (move your feet).

He shared a story about a man he recently met with. When this man was just a little boy, a woman prophecied over him that he would play in the NBA (professional basketball). As he grew up, he believed it and so would say to people, "I'm gunna play basketball." Not only did he SEE this dream, he also went and did something about it. He went to the gym every day and trained hard. Now he plays for a professional team. You can watch him on the TV a couple of times a week out in the US!

Dale also talked about the importance of having people around who will speak as well. Those who will believe in you. Those who will see these dreams and push you on. He told us to let go of those people who don't do that in us.

One of my friends I was there with thinks her dreams are too big. I told her that maybe she's tired of having no one around her to believe in her.

We all need people to believe in us.
No dream is too big.

A new love.

2009-11-04T21:14:00.002Z

So I found out tonight that I actually quite like playing the drums. I love the feeling of your different limbs knowing what they're each supposed to be doing. It's quite freeing really.

Standards

2009-11-04T09:34:00.002Z

I got my standards way off. Sheesh.

It's funny how things that I think are fine are not really acceptable for others. I was gently told off last night, for leaving an expensive guitar downstairs where "it could be nicked." Wow. I just don't think like that.

I'm aware of the 'big' things. But stuff like that I don't really think through. Like being used to driving and giving people lifts everywhere and actually enjoying giving lifts...I then expect others to be the same and wonder why some people get frustrated of being asked for lifts everywhere.

Maybe it's about thinking before I do something. I'm a bit sporadic. I need to be more thoughtful!

Birthday treats.

2009-10-22T09:34:00.003+01:00

It's my birthday today. Yes. I cannot believe I am 24 today.

I was thinking last night about how we always say, "Happy Birthday". What does that mean? Isn't it a bit of an old, stale phrase that we don't really mean? Do we mean we are celebrating the fact that someone has been born? Because it sure doesn't sound like we're celebrating when we say it. To be honest, it sounds like we're pretty bored.

Lost generation?

2009-10-19T11:32:00.002+01:00

Religulous and Indiana Jones.

2009-10-17T00:31:00.006+01:00

Currently watching the Bill Maher documentary/film 'Religulous'. And it's making me mad.

I'm annoyed that Bill has no time for the people he interviews. He wants the Christians and other people of faith to listen to him, but he won't allow them to speak. He mocks their answers. And the film is badly edited to make everyone apart from him look completely stupid.

What a dick.

I normally love films like this, I love seeing people question and tear apart things that I follow avidly. I don't find it detrimental to my faith. I enjoy questions. However, this is making me feel uncomfortable.

The other thing I'm getting mad about is how many absolute idiots they managed to interview for this movie. People who claim that Jesus wore fine clothes, people who judge other groups without even meeting them, people whose livelihoods involve making money out of icons and Christian 'items'. Seeing Bill Maher wander through this shop, which had literally hundreds of different crosses in it, made me even more mad.

It made me think of Indiana Jones, how he has to choose from the cup which Jesus drank from at the last supper...and it was the old, plain cup. Not a fancy one. Why do we make so much money and screw people over for items that mean nothing? How can we justify buying things that are just used to make us look good?

I know this is completely generalising, but I'm working it out as I speak.

Daylight and stars:

2009-10-13T21:32:00.003+01:00

I was paid the biggest compliment today. My friend asked if I could move to her city because I "make her feel herself" ...

Isn't that wonderful? To have friends who bring out the best in you? People that you never have to 'work' at being around, you are completely comfortable to just be yourself.

I love this friend. She is incredible! I don't think she even knows that; I have told her, but she wouldn't believe it. I have learnt so much from her. Her strength and courage is inspiring. And her relationship with her husband is probably the relationship I have learnt the most from. They are such a great couple. And seeing her today was equally good. Just talking. And walking. And eating. And laughing. And singing.

Like daylight and stars. Seeing something incredible in a place where you wouldn't normally spot it. That's what she does - she sees the best things.

And she's like a gem. There are those people who obviously everyone thinks highly of and they know so many people and are so gifted ... blah blah blah ............ This woman is one of the people who you only realise how hugely much they have to offer when you get close enough to see it. I love that.

DON'T GIVE UP!

2009-10-12T22:28:00.002+01:00

That's what I feel like screaming. "DON'T GIVE UP!" I don't wanna give up on this. I don't want to try and work ahead if this doesn't work out. I want to keep pursuing the dream.

If God says "GO", do you go until He says stop?
If God says "WAIT", do you wait until He says now?

And how long do you keep going for?

Can't sleep.

2009-10-08T04:18:00.003+01:00

So it's past 4am and I am awake in bed. Hmmmph. My eyes are so tired and my head aches with sleepiness, but my mind is whirring. So I'm listening to a little Jem Cooke.

"You don't know, you don't see, how lovely you are. But everyone around you can so very easily. When you're tired but you can't sleep. And you're broken on your knees. When your heart feels like it needs reminding how to breathe, just call on me and take your time."

Wow, I didn't think how apt those words were until writing them out just then! Am I broken on my knees? I don't think so. But I'm definitely tired and can't sleep. Does my heart feel like it needs reminding how to breathe? Probably. Sometimes I get busy. And caught up in the moment. I feel so content and happy with Jesus. But maybe I don't give myself room to breathe? Sometimes my heart yearns for things. Like an ache. It doesn't rest until I do something about it. And it feels like there are some things that have been aching for a while.

Still awaiting further instructions. Maybe that's part of the problem.

I wanna be Mary.

2009-10-02T14:52:00.003+01:00

I used to hate this story in the Bible. I got annoyed that Jesus didn't appreciate the hard work that Martha did for Him. Mary flipping did NOTHING! Imagine working really hard and then being told that you shouldn't have bothered? I would be pissed right off!

But the more I think about Mary sitting at Jesus' feet, the more I get it.

What's the point of all the rushing around and working hard if I'm not taking time out? I don't mean making sure I don't get burnt out. I mean, what's the point of it all if I'm not sitting at Jesus' feet?

I love that image - sitting at someone's feet. Totally a sign of respect. Being eager to listen to what they have to say. But even more intimately, it's just about being in their presence. You know those people who you're so comfortable with that you can just sit in silence? I wonder how comfortable we are with Jesus? Are we comfortable with that silence of sitting and waiting?

I am learning to be more of a Mary than a Martha.

*yelp

2009-09-30T22:34:00.001+01:00

So, I'm scared. I sent an email off today. It really needed to be sent. But everything's real now I've written down certain things. And that's scary. Because part of me keeps kidding myself that it isn't real. But I reckon it probably is.

Love is not a fight.

2009-09-25T22:25:00.000+01:00

Love is not a place to come and go as we please.
It’s a house we enter in, then commit to never leave.
So lock the door behind you, throw away the key.
Work it out together, let it bring us to our knees.

Love is a shelter, in a raging storm.
Love is peace, in the middle of a war.
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.
No love, is not a fight, but it’s something worth fighting for

Thank you...

2009-09-21T23:57:00.004+01:00

Sheesh. There are some people that I just love hearing from. I love their thoughts. I love learning with them. I love reading their thoughts. I love talking with them. I love listening to them. I could do that for a long time.

I wasn't even gunna write a blog about this, but I just read Helen's two last posts and I just had to write on here! I feel like I learn all the time, and to be honest, most of that is down to the people I talk to and spend time with.

Thank you Helen. People like you inspire me to write my thoughts down. And to really know what it means to be honest. I try and talk honestly, but it is so hard. And yet you are so unashamed about your life. I love that transparency.

Thank you Rob. I genuinely love working with you. Yet another honest person. People like you make me want to be closer to Jesus. (oh and you really are funny - those smiles are not because i'm mocking you, but because you make me laugh)

Thank you Lisa. This past year, I think it has been your life that I have been the most excited about watching grow and change. You have so much to offer. Thank you for letting me in to share it. People like you challenge me to think more!

Thank you Beth. You are such an incredible friend to me. I'm not quite sure what I've done to deserve you. People like you are a bit like Barbie - they seem too perfect to be real. Haha. Only joking, but not really. You are a special lady. And the most Jesus-like lady I know of. Pretty neat then, cos you're going out with Jesus in boy-form! Ha.

I've only mentioned four people, cos these are the only four who read my blog...!
The rest of you know who you are, and you're amazing.

Seeing his face.

2009-09-02T23:47:00.002+01:00

Recently, I have been wrestling with God.

You know the kind of wrestling - when you cling onto somebody and start shouting that you wont let go until something happens? Like Jacob holding onto God and literally wrestling Him, and he wouldn't let go until God blessed him.

At Soul Survivor, I asked that Jesus would show me His face. And I told God that I wouldn't stop praying that until I saw it. Quite a few times during the songs, I would close my eyes and see things: people singing, angels singing, a massive tree coming up from beneath the stage, an empty tent...but not Jesus' face.

And I got frustrated and almost petty about it. Stubborn, I guess.

But throughout the week, God was prompting me in the places I would find Jesus' face. And after an interesting thing that He suggested to me (about being active with justice, going to literally feed the poor) He said, "This is where you'll see my face."

I saw Jesus in the homeless and the poor. I saw Him in the children who are illiterate and can't afford to go to school. I caught glimpses of His face in the forgotten and the marginalised. I spotted Him amongst the rubbish dumps and the shop doorways, the trailer parks and the street corners.

And God told me to go.

Being drenched.

2009-08-27T18:07:00.002+01:00

"The Word we study has to be the Word we pray.....We must never allow the authority of books, institutions, or leaders to replace the authority of knowing Jesus Christ personally and directly."

I love reading. I totally get absorbed into books and get caught up in them. And often forget to just spend time with God. It is so easy (and I can't believe how much) to read other books, rather than the Bible; to speak to other people, rather than God. Gosh.

I need to get my head round this. And I always put it off. I'm like, "I'll get it sorted this weekend." but then never do. Maybe I should just sort it out tonight. Go and do some deep breathing again down by the sea. Try and remember what God's voice sounds like...

"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us - that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough."

Home time.

2009-08-25T22:12:00.003+01:00

So, it has been yet another long time since I have written on here. I am currently residing back in North Devon, spending time with friends and family.

Time in Devon is not normally 'relaxing'. Those of you that know me, know that I get kinda stressed because I have many people to see and catch up with. I feel a lot of tension, balancing time with family and time with friends that I really need to see. I don't want to be a people pleaser. But sometimes I need to be. And then the people I love the most and want to see get hurt because they don't see me as much as they'd like to.

Sometimes, I'm a bit of a rag doll.
Pulled in every direction.

Today, I took my little brothers and sisters on the bus into Barnstaple. Finn was sad because it was originally just going to be me and him. Man, we never hang out just us two together. And he was excited. But we couldn't really stop the girls coming, and then Jacob changed his mind.

I wondered how often I do this to people - disappoint them? Not like I'm feeling sorry for myself, cos I'm not! Haha. But I wonder how much time I give to those individuals that need to spend time BY THEMSELVES? I wonder if God is like that. Just like Finn, He is super looking foward to hanging out with me but then I go and invite other people along for the ride. You know how its totally cool to hang out with God with other people. But I wonder if sometimes He is jealous for our time, and JUST US?

I am learning a lot about myself. I am learning that I am quick to commit to something or to say 'yes' and actually don't really think a lot about the consequences. I need my "yes" to be "yes" and maybe that means learning to be better at saying "no". I am so quick at wanting everyone to get involved in something or wanting everyone to see something, that the quality of the thing becomes worn. You know that phrase, "Quality not quantity" - so true. I need my life to be of quality rather than quantity.

Soul Experience

2009-08-16T21:23:00.003+01:00

Soul Survivor tomorrow.

I am really looking forward to it. But my mind has been on other things as of late. And my head is still banging so I gave in and took painkillers.

But what will this week turn out like? I am excited for what God will do. Good things. Always.

Muse is playing loudly in the other room. We have the recordings from Gig in the Garden. Wow. They sound so good. Haha....I've just realised it isn't Muse, it is the boys version of 'Plug in Baby'!

I am really looking forward to writing more songs this week, and finishing old ones. Music moves my soul.

Life.

2009-08-13T16:46:00.002+01:00

Hmmm. Text conversations with faraway friends.

Always needed.

BF birthday today. Literally CANNOT wait to see her next week.

I love the smell of freshly washed clothes. I love cleaning actually.

I need to eat some fruit.

Probably going to go and play some music, write something, read something, listen to someone, be creative, be free.....blah blah blah....

Dreaming of warmer climates.

CeU is freaking AMAZING. She could send me to sleep any day.

You could send me to sleep, thank you very much.

Thinking about freedom.

Maybe I'll get my tattoo when I'm back in Devon.

Do you ever get when you have so much you're thinking about but you can't really be bothered to write it all down?

Corinthians

2009-08-13T16:10:00.003+01:00

I've been reading 1st Corinthians recently. It's good to read the Bible with friends.

I wondered why I hadn't been writing up my learnings, but here goes. These are just a few things that have stood out to me in the last few chapters...

"God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise...so that no one may boast before Him." (chapter 1) - we talked about this in India. The idea that God uses our weaknesses and our failings, because He is made strong. He is glorified through our weaknesses. We learn to trust Him when we recognise that we can't do it alone. Its a bit of a cliche, but it seems wherever I go that those who have less money are more likely to trust God for His provision. I forget that He provides because I know I can do it on my own.
"He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness..." (chapter 4) - scary eh? How would we feel if those around us saw all our deepest and darkest secrets??! I was reminded about how valuable honesty is. When we are honest with God, honest with ourselves, honest with those around us, we give Satan no room to twist and distort things. The smallest thing can become an issue when we leave it hidden and don't talk about it.
"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power." (chapter 4) - I love this! Why are we insistent on talking so much about God's Kingdom rather than doing something about it? Instead of talking to people about Jesus, why aren't we allowing the power of Jesus to meet with them?
"Everything is permissible for me but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me but I will not be mastered by anything." (chapter 6) - I have the choice to do what I want, but not everything I choose is the best thing for me. I don't want anything to consume or control me unless it is God Himself.
"Knowledge puffs up, love builds up." (chapter 8) - this is so true. How much time do I spend puffing (myself and others) up, rather than building them up? Haha. Do I spend time puffing up my ego rather than building up someone else's self worth?
"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak." (chapter 8) - I know that I have the right to do what I want, but that comes at a cost unless I consider others too. There are some things I would love to do and enjoy and don't have a problem doing, but it wouldn't be helpful for another person. Therefore I must always decide to NOT do that thing, and to put the other person first.

And these are but small snippets of what I have been learning. I love Corinthians. I love the way Paul writes. And these two letters are just filled with meaty stuff; things I need to grapple with; things that, no matter how much I re read them, I still learn from.

I'm back...

2009-08-11T22:25:00.002+01:00

Just over 24 hours since I returned from Kolkata, India.

As soon as I stepped off the plane, memories were fading.
I slip into normality so easily here.

I don't want to forget what I've learnt out there. Or what I've been challenged on. God's heart for the whole person. Every ministry we were involved in out there was always about, "Jesus loves you - have some medicine," or "Jesus loves you - let me give you some food and an education."

I LOVE THAT.

I love that for them, the idea that Jesus loves everyone is not just restricted to a box labelled 'spiritual stuff'. Spiritual, physical, emotional - they're all connected. In Matthew 5 before Jesus began teaching the crowds from God's word, He saw they were hungry, had compassion on them and fed them.

I know that in England, the poverty is different. We don't have the same amount of children living on the streets, or the kind of begging we saw in India. But we do have poverty. We have families who can't afford to feed their children properly. We have adults who are living on the streets. We have girls of all ages forced into the sex trade. We have young and old abused by those they love.

Mother Teresa said that the greatest poverty is to be unwanted, uncared for and unloved. We definitely suffer from that here in England. In India, families look after the elderly. They are seen as important, wise and valued members. Here in England, we ship off the grandparents to homes, leaving them to cope with loneliness by themselves.

We visited Mother House, where Mother Teresa's ministry all started. Her tomb is there also. What an incredible woman she was. I don't think I even realised it until going there. She tells a story of seeing a homeless man in the street and going over to shake his hand. As he takes her hand, he says, "I've forgotten how amazing it is to feel the warmth of another's hand."

Breathing.

2009-07-13T21:30:00.005+01:00

I decided to follow suit and left my bed earlier (I know, so very early was I in bed!) and walked to the end of my street. If you walk literally to the end of my road, you come to the sea. It's not some sort of crashing, exciting sea...not like back home in Devon. It's the still sea that you find on the edge of houses. With boats and lots of buoys.

So I went and sat down on one of the best benches (not quite THE best) and it started to rain. Then...I breathed. I don't think I've sat down and breathed quite so deeply for such a long time.
It actually made me cry.

I love that I can be the busiest person and yet as soon as I sit for 5 minutes and breathe deeply, it feels like everything stops. It was so calming. And I think it brought to the surface stuff which I still needed to hand over to God. Certain relationships, worries...things that I actually believe I've given over to Him. And yet I haven't. I still try and work things out in my own time and my own way.

It was freeing handing them over.

But I know I'll need to do exactly the same thing again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

When was the last time you stopped to breathe?

Pictures of Jesus

2009-07-13T20:03:00.001+01:00

Where have you seen Jesus today?

Swine flu?

2009-07-13T18:48:00.003+01:00

Life is good. I have a cold, but its leaving. The swine is leaving! I woke up this morning with a bad back, but thats loads better now. I have a pretty relaxed week ahead of me. I am going swimming tomorrow early in the morning - always a great way to start the day. I spoke to my best friend on the phone today :-)

It can't really get much better than this.

Or can it? Where is Jesus?! Have I become complacent? Am I just going through life; including God when I want; praying sometimes; reading the Bible as a ritual...

I don't want to be one of those people who just gets on with life and its kinda okay. I want to push further! I want something extraordinary! I want my life to be something more, no longer stale and although a challenge/inspiration to those around me, no longer an inspiration to myself.

That's sad.

2009-07-11T22:28:00.002+01:00

Wow, God has really been flipping things right over since my feelings of frustration last week! I think that God is reminding me that this is where I should be. He's faithful and all that. Well good.

Aaaaargh

2009-07-03T23:27:00.002+01:00

I'm feeling frustrated. I am overthinking things and getting annoyed, and feeling like I'm not in the right place. Even though I know I'm in the right place. I know that God has put me here, and I know my decision to stay is right. But it feels so hard.

And I don't know where to go with these feelings. Talking it over is often so helpful, but sometimes it just stirs up frustration even more. Not by any means because of the people I'm speaking to...but just because I am dwelling on the thoughts.

God knows how I'm feeling. And He knows my worry - that I will lose motivation and not give 100% to the work I am doing. I don't want to lose heart. I don't want to stop being passionate about the youth work. I don't want to forget what He has called me to.

Generosity

2009-06-30T16:50:00.002+01:00

I was back home in Devon this past weekend. And I was really blown away by the generosity of some of my friends. There were a couple of times when I didn't have any money with me, or didn't have enough...and my friends every time offered to pay. They even offered to give me money, to help with stuff I was talking about.

It made me laugh cos I will automatically take something I am given. Yes, I may be shocked by someone's generosity...but I will not refuse something that I am given.

We are often challenged by how willing we are to give.
But how willing are we to receive?

I reckon we're pretty rubbish at it. And its always pride that's at the centre. Even if we can't see it, a reluctance to accept something from another person comes from our own pride.

In response to Helen

2009-06-25T19:50:00.002+01:00

Helen wrote this recently:

"I have noticed in the last few weeks that the class holds back. There seems to be this consesus of fear that we can't get to personal, we cant get to excited or passionate by what we are saying, that we are too afraid to offend. (i say we but i dont really count myself, i have no shame)

We have some peace makers in our year, who as soon as things get heated ask us all to calm down, and you know sometimes i think this can be bad, it can lead to feelings of resentment of unresolved annoyance and the people who were discussing. I feel that our lecture room should be a safe place to talk things over, and if need be get annoyed with each other and not always take it personally. But maybe thats because when we are in discussions i usually detach myself from my arguments. hmmm."

This is so interesting. Because I LOVE discussing. Sometimes I am afraid of saying what I really feel, normally because of the impression afterwards that I am 'wrong'. However, I am not afraid to play devil's advocate. I don't mind stirring things up, merely because I want to know WHY somebody believes something. In the same way, I want to be challenged about why I believe what I do. Its so hard to have someone say something, and then for you to be willing and open enough to say, "well, I hadn't thought about that." That takes guts. It takes humility.

I wanna see more of that. People less willing to have the last word and more willing to listen!!

Hearing yourself

2009-06-15T21:53:00.002+01:00

I'm not very good at titles for these darn blogs. Other people, like my friend Helen, come up with intelligent and witty titles...that suggest what the content could be, but then you read it and find out it's about something else! So clever...

Anywho (as Becky would say), I was just wondering who likes hearing themselves? Is there really anyone in the world who LIKES watching themselves on camera or hearing themselves sing? Is there anyone who, caught off guard, actually likes hearing their thoughts outloud?! Haha...

How do you get over that?

Let's Get Married

2009-06-12T23:41:00.002+01:00

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle (at the top go to Controls » Shuffle » By Songs)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
Sergant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Oldman

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Take the "A" Train

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Don't Leave Nobody But the Baby

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Simply Beautiful

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Love Song for No One

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Come, Like You Promise

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Intro

WHAT IS 2+2?
Truth

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
You Alone

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You Gotta Be

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
The Tracks of My Tears

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Up Against the Buachalawns

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Petrol

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Let Me Be

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
The End of the Race (haha)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Stop This Train

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Jealous Kind

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
You Are the Sun

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
High Speed

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Radio

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
All You've Done For Me

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Body Movin'

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Rescue

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Pastime Paradise

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Messiah

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Song For Junior

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
The Story of Someone's Shoe

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Circles

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
A Place in the Sun

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Let's Get Married (haha)

What does it mean to be saved?

2009-06-11T22:14:00.002+01:00

"...is it more than just a prayer to pray, more than just a way to heaven?"

Thanks to Israel Houghton for those words. Tonight in our youth leaders meeting we were talking about learning to present the 'Gospel' and how to communicate our testimonies evangelistically. And funnily enough part of me doesn't sit comfortably with that. I would just get up and say what everyone else wants to hear, which isn't showing much integrity.

And I try and articulate this, but I am waiting for someone to say, "Well, you're obviously not a Christian then!" It's not like I don't have a story of my faith journey, and it's not like I can't talk to people about Jesus. But I don't like presenting something which sounds so impersonal.

My experience of meeting Christ was through lots of people sharing their stories with me, and then one day He decided to come in and BAM! It was all HIS work. He met with me. And it makes me wonder...should we be spending so much time telling people the right formula to have a relationship with God, or providing opportunities for them to meet with Him?

Love

2009-06-11T00:07:00.003+01:00

Would you be brave enough to tell someone you love them?

Triumphal Entry

2009-06-09T22:13:00.002+01:00

Today in Cell we were looking at Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem.

It made me think...
How ready are we to invite Jesus into the stuff that we do?
How excited are we for Him to enter into our daily stuff?

Being sick

2009-06-09T10:59:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was the first time in LITERALLY years that I was sick...a lot. And it was horrible. And it made me want to be with someone. One of the worst feelings is being sick, having your stomach heaving and feeling shakey and teary...and there not being anyone around.

When I was little, my dad somehow always heard me in the toilet and would come and hold my hair while I was sick. Yesterday, my friend Beth was there for the first little while. But there wasn't anyone else there afterwards. How sad for there to be some people who don't have anyone - no one to hold their hair while they're being sick or rub their back afterwards.

Then I had the WORST night sleep afterwards. I felt really tired and worn out after being sick. So I went to bed at about 8.30pm. But kept getting up to go to the toilet. Nearly fell to sleep then woke up every hour or two. At midnight, feeling very dehydrated, I drank some water which then came straight back out again. Very unsettling. But this morning I have managed to drink water and not be sick! Yay.

So now I'm having to decide about when to start eating again. Not too early cos I'll just feed the blinking sickness inside of me. But I'm feeling well tired and weak. So need food soon!

Any thoughts?

Beauty

2009-06-06T22:53:00.001+01:00

That is what beauty is for.

All this beauty exists so you and I can see His glory, His artwork.

It's like an invitation to worship Him, to know Him.

Family

2009-06-05T15:06:00.002+01:00

Most of my revelations seem to happen on the toilet recently.
Maybe it is quiet in there and I think more deeply...??

I was really emotional earlier. I think I was thinking about death, and life. And I thought a lot about my family. We are really close but we all show affection in different ways. I just had this overwhelming desire to tell them all they are incredible. And that I want to see them living life to the FULL. And I had this revelation of when Jesus says He has come that we may life, and life in all its fullness - that doesn't mean we can do what we want. It doesn't mean we become hedonistic pleasure seekers...

I wonder if to really live life to the full, it means to bring about change and to give to others...to see amazing things happen to those around you. I wonder if a full life is a life given to the service of others?

In love with a vampire.

2009-06-04T11:46:00.001+01:00

I had a dream last night that I was in love with a vampire (and no, before anyone asks, I have NOT watched Twlight in a long time!). Yet I knew I was in danger.

There seemed to be an epidemic of vampire families moving into the town. And they wanted to kill us all.

A particularly odd moment was hearing them say that if a human blinks really fast, it means that they are aware of the vampires. So weird. Like a code or something.

Don't really know why I dreamt all this, or what it 'means'. It amused me, so thought I'd share it.

London travels...

2009-05-29T23:44:00.003+01:00

So I was in London tonight. I had a great time, listening to good music and seeing old friends.

There are just some people who I LOVE seeing. I love being with them, being inspired because of them, feeling like I have something to offer them, being reminded of why we love Jesus. My friend's mum is Ethiopian and she is amazing. Seriously. She just sits me down and listens to me rant. And she faithfully prays for me too. I love that. I love that her presence calms me. I really hope I get to see her family again soon.

I enjoy just sitting in the car with good friends and listening to good music. I love talking and learning together. I love laughing and the banter that goes on. I love road kill and getting lost on country roads and watching the sunset as we drive home together.

I had big conversations today about important topics; accountability, integrity, judging others, compassion, motives, leadership, honesty, addiction...haha. So much. I realised I get excited about that kinda stuff (not really the last one though - addiction...hmmm), they are definitely stuff on my heart right now. Things I am trying to learn about. Things that I feel passionate about. These things are stuff that bubble out into my conversations with people.

I guess that's what passion does. It bursts out into everything we do.
So what is bursting out into your life today?

Faith

2009-05-27T19:25:00.001+01:00

Is faith ridiculous?

Does it take huge risks? Does it take stupid risks?

I have a confession...

2009-05-26T17:33:00.002+01:00

...I am a DISTRACTION!!

Today, during revision sessions that we are running with our young people, I ate a doughnut and got tres hyper. While the young people were revising, I went into the toilet and blew HUGE raspberries and waited to hear what they'd do.

There was silence and then laughter erupted. I so badly wanted to walk out of the toilet, trying to look sheepish. But it didn't work. I stumbled out holding my belly as it ached with laughter!

So much for being a responsible youth worker :-)

Spiritual Experience?

2009-05-21T20:55:00.002+01:00

I just had a spiritual experience whilst sat on the toilet.

You know those times when you just feel like you had a revelation? Something dawns on you? The lightbulb switches on?

I was reading (totally my favourite pastime right now - reading on the loo) and learning about community and three things that can make it Christ-centred (based on the verse that says, "Where two or more are gathered in My name, there I shall be."):

1. Intentional - a purposeful thing, in 'His name', otherwise we become just another gathering.
2. Spiritual - the presence of God is central to what goes on.
3. A safe place - welcoming, inclusive, a place of belonging.

It wasn't even church that I was thinking of. But just hanging out with other Christians. Do I display those qualities? Do I WANT to display those qualities??!

I used to not enjoy spending time with certain people. To the point where I'd walk away at the end and feel like crap. And I just though, "This isn't how it should be! I should be encouraged when I spend time with these people." A friend once told me that a certain group of his mates often banter, but sometimes too much. They go too far. They are Christians but they don't really talk about God a lot. He said that he feels deflated sometimes after spending time with them.

I don't like that. I want to spend time with my friends, have a laugh, but leave being thankful for seeing them. Not frustrated because they've made me feel like poo.

Freedom is possible.

2009-05-20T23:29:00.002+01:00

Freedom IS possible.

I watched a film called 'Catch a Fire' yesterday - about the apartheid in South Africa.
Made me think very practically about those who literally have no freedom.

And yet Jesus came to set people free.

I believe that this is a very real freedom of which Jesus talks. Not just from fears and emotions...but literal freedom.

Speech for those who are quietened.
Food for those who are starved.
Education for those who are unschooled.
Hope for those who are broken.

"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."

This is not just a figurative freedom, of us entering the Kingdom of Heaven. The 'truth' we share with those around us MUST mean that their needs are cared for, their dreams are flourished, their lives are improved. It MUST be practical.

Mustn't it?

Britney

2009-05-19T19:23:00.003+01:00

Today I was thinking about someone, this song came into my head.
Old school pop.
Enjoy.

Listening.

2009-05-19T14:05:00.003+01:00

Thank you to Jenny Baker:

I am listening to you, honestly.

But I'm also thinking about what I'm going to say next.

I hate embarrassed gaps in conversation when no one knows what to say.

I want you to think that I'm interesting, funny, witty.

So I'm lining up my response, getting it ready.

I am listening to you, honestly.

But I hope you don't go on too long.

I want to catch the final scores, to find out how my team has done.

And I need to ring my friend before he goes out for the evening.

Then Desperate Housewives is on TV, and I don't want to miss that.

So make it quick, and you don't need to repeat yourself.

I am listening to you, honestly.

But I'm also thinking about what happened at work this week -

And what I've got to do next week -

I'm going to be in trouble if I don't get that report written,

And I need to work out why my colleague isn't talking to me.

So it's quite hard to hear what you're saying

Over all this internal noise.

I am listening to you, honestly.

But that group over there looks like they're having a much better conversation;

They're laughing and joking.

I'd really like to get to know some of them -

Not that you're not important - of course you are;

I just wish I had the chance to speak to them, too.

I am listening to you, honestly.

But to be honest, I really wish you'd listen to me -

Just for once - to pay attention to what I have to say,

Without jumping in with your experience and your solutions.

I don't want you to solve my problems;

I just want you to hear me:

To hear the 'me' behind the words;

To really listen.

Friends

2009-05-19T10:54:00.001+01:00

I love that when I say I feel sad, she will pick up the phone and ring me.

I love that she knows me so well. She isn't afraid to ask those horrible questions.

I love sitting on the couch, drinking red wine and laughing with this boy.

I love how wise she is. And she doesn't even know it.

I love that this person always encourages me. She is so kind with her words.

I love hearing him drum.

I love this girl praying for me. She hears God clearly.

I love that we have travelled together.

I love that I can talk to this guy as if we only saw each other yesterday.

I love that he inspires me to be a better person.

I love her humility, it is refreshing.

I love that it makes me smile singing with this girl :-)

I love that getting texts from this person makes me so happy.

I love them for letting me live in their home.

I love that he is a rude boy at heart.

I love that he is my favourite brother. haha. joke. I love that he is my brother.

I love that we made the perfect pool team. Beating everyone else.

I love that I can walk into her house, and feel at home.

What will I be remembered for?

2009-05-18T17:17:00.003+01:00

Not particularly that I want people to look back on my life, crying and saying, "Oh GOSHHHH...Clare was so amazing!" Haha. (that actually makes me laugh out loud as I'm reading that back to myself...) But I have a responsibility to think about the things that I will be remembered for. Because I can shape them however I like.

Two months before he was assassinated, Martin Luther King talked about what he would like someone to say at his funeral. He didn't want to mention the Nobel Peace prize, or any other of those big achievements:

"Id like somebody to say that Martin Luther King tried to give his life serving others... I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity. Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace, I was a drum major for righteousness. And all the other shallow things will not matter. I wont have any money to leave behind. I wont have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind. I just want to leave a committed life behind. And thats all I want to say...

If I can help somebody as I pass along, if I can cheer somebody with a word or song, if I can show somebody hes travelling wrong, then my living will not be in vain. If I can do my duty as a Christian ought, if I can bring salvation to a world over wrought, if I can spread the message as teh Master taught, then my living will not be in vain."

What do I want to be known for?

My great taste in music? My awesome sense of humour and wisdom? Haha. Do I want to be known as a people lover? Do I want to be known for my actions. Do people see my as a person of integrity. Will people mock my life or be pointed towards something far greater than myself?

Rescue

2009-05-17T22:34:00.002+01:00

I love the organisation 'To Write Love On Her Arms' - if you don't know who they are, check here.

They are beautiful. They bring hope and help to those suffering from depression and the effects of. They have seen broken people, and are in the business of mending.

"You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change."

In Church tonight, we talked about God's rescue plan for mankind. Like a mission. It made me think of God as a secret agent - working behind the scenes, never tiring because He wants us to be 'safe'.

Do we know that rescue is possible? That the things which hold us down and keep us back, don't have to stay there? Our chains can be removed? We can be free?

I love TWLOHA's visions, they sum up what Jesus people should be about. Sorry, what Jesus people NEED to be about:

"The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.
The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.
The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.
The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.
The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.
The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.
The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.
The vision is hope, and hope is real.
You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story."

Slater...not Kat Slater...haha

2009-05-17T22:08:00.001+01:00

I have been thinking about these 'blogs' and facebook 'notes' I have been posting recently. Although they are thought provoking and midly entertaining at times, I realise that they are often of a negative nature (do you think?)...I point out bad characteristics or things I want to change. Maybe I need to write one of pure encouragement?!

I LOVE JESUS. Haha.
And I love that He gets me, especially when no one else does.
He understands my weird little habits and annoying flaws, and still doesn't think any less of me.

How great is that?!

Daddy Dear

2009-05-12T14:38:00.002+01:00

For some reason, today I have mostly been thinking about my dad.
You may not know him, but he is a wonderful, amazing man.

I don't say this enough to him, but I am extremely proud to be his daughter. He is wise, and very intelligent...an amazing people person (he is vicar, and knows EVERYONE in the villages). He loves travelling and is fluent in 3 languages. He is brave and honourable, and brought up us 6 kids all by himself (for a while) after my mum died.

Those who talk with me often, will hear me speak very highly of my dad. I am sooo thankful for the way I have been brought up. My dad and step mum have challenged us, but allowed us independence and the opportunity to learn from our mistakes.

However, I know that not everyone has had the same experience with their Fathers. And for that I am sorry. I am sorry that the image of a Dad might conjure up pain and brokeness for you. I hope you know that there is a Father who is so much better than that. A Father who desires only good things for you; hope and joy, wholeness and healing.

I've begun to wonder today...do I rave and 'boast' as much about my Heavenly Father as I do about my real Daddy? Am I eager to tell others about His goodness and how proud I am to be His child?

Children's Home

2009-05-12T00:29:00.002+01:00

I really want to open a Children's Home.

When I was younger I used to have a regular dream of somewhere like this and it was filled with children. I used to think this was because I wanted a big family. Now it might mean something else.

I LOVE kids. I love families. I cannot wait (Jesus willing) to get married and have a family. And I hope that I will end up fostering and adopting.

I was watching a programme on 4od tonight - 'Find me a Family'. Wow, what a need for people willing to adopt siblings, children of ethnic minorities and those with physical difficulties. I hope that people watched it and were stirred to do something.

I hope my dream comes true.

Saturday

2009-05-09T13:02:00.002+01:00

I got up this morning and walked into town.

At Church, they're having this big sale thing - another fundraiser for the building project. And I walked straight towards the book stall. There, on the table, was a small box of cds. I trawled through it and found some gems - I cannot believe I just bought TWO Massive Attack albums and a jazz/hiphop experimental cd for £2!! Bargainus Maximus, I think so!

Then a couple of the yp came over to my house. I made banana bread, fruit salad and pancakes (the best ones - american style, also called 'drop scones'?)...it was a birthday. We sat and ate, laughed, played music. I love times like that.

Now I'm wondering what to do. I am torn. Half of me wants to do nothing (which is actually really nice on a day off)...part of me wants to finish songs and write more...and part of me wants to take my ipod and go for a long walk. Maybe walk down to the Island and see how far I can get before I am tired. Hmmm...

Jesus' love language

2009-05-08T23:51:00.003+01:00

My love language (I think) is time spent or acts of service.

One of the interesting things about where I live was finding out that freaking EVERYONE loves hugging and kissing and telling each other they love them. And I found that hard.

Its not that I don't love those things, I have totally grown to love them. I just don't connect with them. For someone to tell me, "I love you" - I need them to show it. I have had enough experiences of people goofing off and saying bad things to me, afterwards saying, "I love you." And I'm like, "NOOOOOO YOU DON'T!" How can you say that when you're actions aren't backing it up.

I feel like that with Jesus. How can we say we love Him when our actions don't back it up?

I kinda think that Jesus likes ALL the love languages. He definitely likes acts of service (!) ... He likes words of affirmation (just think about the songs we sing in church) ... physical touch (c'mon Holy Spirit) ... material gifts (tithing haha) ... time spent (this is a big one).

Feel free to challenge me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you like something about me. I'll find it hard to hear but its good for me. If you want to show me you love me, just spend some time with me or do something for me.

You'll know I love you cos I'll want to spend time with you.

Podcasts - Mars Hill

2009-05-05T20:20:00.002+01:00

Trinity: God is
Revelation: God speaks
Creation: God makes
Image: God loves
Fall: God judges
Covenant: God pursues
Incarnation: God comes
Cross: God dies
Resurrection: God saves
Church: God sends
Worship: God transforms
Stewardship: God gives
Kingdom: God reigns

Thank you Helen!

2009-05-05T13:05:00.002+01:00

I thought I would dedicate one whole blog to Helen!
(You know who you are...)

Your generosity inspires me. Even in the smallest of things, you are willing to give. Give time, give gifts (like sweet cookies (!)), give of yourself. And I know that many lives are being changed because of your generosity. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Woman, I hope that one day I am as giving as you are!

Jealous Girl

2009-05-01T10:07:00.000+01:00

I had a dream last night, it was very vivid. I remember feeling extraordinarily jealous of two friends. I wasn't even aware I was dreaming. I just had this overwhelming feeling of being gutted, of wanting to it to be ME not THEM. I was literally seething with jealousy.

Now, I am not really a jealous person but when I am it seems to be over trivial things. And it is often to do with people. A friend of mine once said that she struggles with jealousy when she sees girls who she feels has it 'sorted' and she wants to be like them. I wonder if jealousy stems from our own insecurities? Whether that is low self worth, or lack of confidence...we see things in other people that we want for ourselves. I know someone else who would express her longing to be in the place of another.

And I met with four girls this morning, asking them if they think its possible to stop being jealous. They said things like:
"Tell the person, the one who is involved in why you feel jealous..."
"Do practical things, like not putting yourself in a situation that would encourage jealousy..."
"Isn't jealousy the same as envy?"

In Romans 12, it says: "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. HONOUR ONE ANOTHER ABOVE YOURSELVES."

How can we honour others above ourselves today?

Will we choose to rejoice in another's happiness?

Or put someone else's needs above our own?

Foy Vance

2009-04-30T11:47:00.012+01:00

Last night was possibly the best night of my life.

Foy Vance was INCREDIBLE. I think that is the only gig I have ever got emotional at. I can't even explain it. His playing (loop pedal, guitar, vocals, violin bow, harmonica, keyboard, etc) is awe inspiring. His lyrics are phenomenal.

And the crowd participation was equally exciting!

Marriage, babies, and more.

2009-04-28T17:03:00.004+01:00

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me she is expecting a baby, so naturally, I am very excited! Small screaming and pooing objects are a source of endless curiosity for me. I cannot wait to meet the little thing.

Today, someone commented on my previous post - that the majority of those people are in relationships or married. I found it interesting that he noticed something like that. I didn't.

Currently, I have friends at every stage of life:

single
dating
married
pregnant
having babies
having 'families'

What I find interesting is that there is something in all of us, something wired into our very being which desires to be in relationship with others. In the Shawshank Redemption, there is very moving scene where one of the characters is released from the prison that has been his home for most of his life. And he finds himself in a world he doesn't recognise and where he doesn't fit in. Eventually, he kills himself.

How would we cope if all our relationships were taken away one day, if we were stranded with no one for companionship? We are all relational beings, even those of us who are introverts and who need time away from others. We were created for community. And that is why I think we look forward to marriage and family life. We are excited to share our lives with others.

People who are single may sometimes struggle to celebrate genuinely and honestly with those who have found love. What should be joy ends up feeling like resentment and jealousy.

Let us learn to rejoice with those who rejoice. Let us not resent what others have because we, too, want it. Let us be pleased for the sucesses of others.

"May heaven grant you in all things your heart's desire - husband, house and a happy peaceful home. For there is nothing better in this world than that a man and woman, sharing the same ideas, keep house together. It discomforts their enemies and makes the hearts of their friends glad - but they themselves know more about it than anyone."

Homer, The Odyssey

Friends

2009-04-27T21:26:00.011+01:00

Friends.

So many, and so great!

This is a blog giving props to these wonderful people. I can't express to everyone exactly what they mean to me. But here are some photos of wonderful people in my life who bless me, teach me, encourage me, challenge me, and look after me!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

Knowing God

2009-04-27T12:30:00.003+01:00

"We can no more find a method for knowing God than for making God, because the knowledge of God is God Himself dwelling in the soul. The most we can do is to prepare for His entry, to get out of His way, to remove the barriers, for until God acts in us there is nothing positive that we can do in this direction."

Alan W. Watts

The lusciousness of Mr Foy!

2009-04-27T11:59:00.001+01:00

I can't quite believe that in 2 days I shall be seeing this beautiful man in the flesh!

Foy Vance is the first musician I have heard in a long time who writes lyrics with genuine passion. His experiences as a church kid growing up in Northern Ireland have shaped his character, and his songs reflect this.

Please go and check him out on myspace or his website (http://www.foyvance.com/) if you haven't already!

Writing a book...

2009-04-27T11:28:00.001+01:00

So, I've started writing a book.

Nothing special. Just a short devotional book. Something which people can learn from, something where you only have to read one page a day. That kinda thing.

I was thinking of lumping together all these facebook notes, thoughts and blogs into one book. Then using them as a resource for '30 Days of Devotion' (an idea from friends of mine), where young people commit to reading one devotion every day for a month.

I wonder if that would be a good conversation starter and content for discussion?

Encouragement

2009-04-26T23:01:00.001+01:00

Wow, so someone said I should start a blog. Here goes!
These are mostly my incoherant and strangely odd ramblings and thoughts from my days.

"Today, I have mostly been..." thinking about encouragement. How can one small word feel like such a huge knife to your chest? Why do we find it so easy to put down and mock, rather than build up and encourage?

In Proverbs 16 it talks about some key qualities of a leader:

"A good leader motivates, doesn't mislead, doesn't exploit."
"Good leaders cultivate honest speech; they love advisors who tell them the truth."
"Good-tempered leaders invigorate lives; they're like spring rain and sunshine."
"Gracious speech is like clover honey— good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body."

Why are we not developing gracious speech? Words are powerful, they cut right into the heart of something. When we speak truth to people, we are impacting their lives in ways bigger than we know. When we speak negative and sharp words, we cut down who they are as a person.

They say that you remember negative words much more than positive ones...so much so, that it takes 5 positive words to outweigh just 1 negative one!

More than anything I want to build people up. I want to take the time to notice their hopes, dreams, gifts and passions, and see their self worth increase by telling them how amazing they are. I want to tell friends that they are beautiful and inspiring without feeling embarassed. I want to listen well to God so that I can speak just the right words into someones life who really needs them. I want to be a builder and not a destroyer.